Martha vs. Mary

In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus visits two sisters named Martha and Mary. Martha is busy preparing a big dinner, probably to feed Jesus and those who arrived with Him, but Mary is sitting at Jesus’ feet, hanging on His every word.

Distraught by the injustice that she is doing all the work while her sister Mary just sits there listening to Jesus, Martha approaches Jesus and asks Him to reprimand Mary for her:

She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

It seemed rude and inappropriate to her that Mary should just sit there relaxing, enjoying the leisure of listening, when there was so much work to do. She felt certain that Jesus would take her side and rebuke Mary for her apparent selfish laziness.

But Jesus’ response probably surprised her. In verses 41 and 42, He says:

“My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

It probably felt like a shock to Martha to have Jesus side with Mary instead of her. After all, who was going to make the dinner if everyone behaved like Mary, just sitting around when there was work to do?

But, as always, Jesus was right. Let me break down why.

Love Languages

If you’ve never heard of the concept of love languages, a simplistic summary would be that everyone both gives and receives love in certain ways, and if you give love in a way the other person doesn’t recognize as love, they may not realize that you love them.

I spent most of my life not realizing that my mother loved me because her love language is acts of service. She would cook and clean to show her love for me, but I didn’t know that that was why she did it.

I tend to receive love through quality time and words of affirmation, and I tend to give love through words of affirmation and sometimes gift giving. I would always say nice things to my mother and she would bristle and reject them, and to me it felt like she was rejecting me as a person, like she didn’t want to be loved by me.

On the other hand, if I vacuumed or did dishes, she would warm up to me, but her warmth would dry up if I stopped. I began to believe that she couldn’t love me but only found me tolerable if I worked to earn her affections.

I was well into my thirties when I finally began to understand that acts of service was her love language. When I cleaned the house, she accepted that as love. When she cooked for me, she was showing me love. But I had misinterpreted it, just like she had always misinterpreted it when I tried to say nice things to her to show my love.

I believe that Martha’s love language was acts of service. God made her that way, and it was not at all a weakness. But it can sometimes predispose a person to some pitfalls.

Dangers of Acts of Service

People who express their love for others through service often voluntarily take on duties that others might not feel are necessary. They tend to work harder and more often than others, and sometimes this can lead to a shift in attitude.

Maybe when they initially began to do something, it was from a heart of love and a desire to bless someone. But if too many tasks like these accumulate, the service-oriented person can burn out, and may begin to resent others for not chipping in and helping. It seems “obvious” to them that these tasks need to be completed, and it looks like others are neglecting their duties. Resentment builds, resulting in a bad or entitled attitude or a self-righteous sense of false martyrdom.

All types of people with all types of giftings and strengths are needed in God’s kingdom, and it’s not a flaw that these people love to serve. God made them that way on purpose, and He loves that they show love to others that way. The danger lies in when something that was initially begun as an act of love becomes something that brews resentment, entitlement, and self-righteousness.

The Blessing of Service Gets Negated by a Bad Attitude

I fully believe that Martha was preparing that dinner for Jesus to bless Him, as an act of worship and affection for Him.

But somewhere along the line she began to feel like a martyr, like only she was doing anything important, like her sister Mary was in the wrong for not helping her.

And instead of using the dinner preparations to bless and honor Jesus, she marched up to Him with a sense of entitlement, interrupted His teaching, and made demands of Him.

I don’t think Jesus’ response was saying that the dinner wasn’t important, or that it was a bad thing that Martha was preparing it. I think He was actually responding to her attitude more than her specific request to get more help with all the work.

He was there with His disciples, teaching, so it probably wasn’t only Martha, Mary, and Jesus alone in the room. I think it’s very possible that Martha was essentially asking Jesus to publicly shame Mary for not helping her by reprimanding her in front of everyone. It seems like she so expected to be vindicated that she didn’t have a problem creating this scene in front of everyone during Jesus’ teaching.

Well, maybe. The Scriptures don’t actually elaborate on whether she pulled Jesus aside and asked him quietly and privately to deal with Mary or whether she made a big, fat, public deal of everything.

Maybe she did make a point of waiting for a break in His teaching. Maybe she did ask to speak with Him privately. Maybe she was feeling more like a victim and less like a martyr.

But her desire to persuade Jesus to take her side against her sister was still clear: “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you?”

Rather than thinking of service as her act of worship and listening as Mary’s, she still wanted Jesus to make Mary stop listening to Him so she could focus on what Martha deemed was the most important thing: staying busy with the work.

Without even meaning to, she was turning her act of worship into an idol, and acting like it deserved more focus and attention than the Lord Himself.

I think that’s what Jesus was responding to.

Jesus’ Compassion

We often hear this story told as if Jesus offered her a scathing rebuke, but if you look at His response, he makes a point of calling Martha “dear.”

He acknowledges that she is worried and upset. He cares about her feelings and her stress level.

Have you ever tried to help a young child with homework and watched them become increasingly more frustrated with a problem they can’t solve? You try to help them calm down so they can think, and you try to teach them that they can in fact handle this problem, and you remind them that one simple problem isn’t really that important in the scheme of things and it’s not worth being this upset about…but sometimes they are just so stressed about it anyway.

You have a perspective that they don’t, that everything is fine, that it will be okay, that there’s no need to be this sad or angry or hopeless or despairing over one little insignificant issue.

But to them it’s like the world is ending.

Jesus knows that what Martha is worried over is not the most important thing, but He sees how much it’s stressing her. He wants her to calm down, relax, and enjoy being who she was made to be, not get upset about it to the point where it ruins her day.

I don’t think he puts her down or speaks harshly to her. I think He just gives her some gentle advice:

“There is only one thing worth being concerned about.”

And what is that thing?

Of course, it’s Jesus.

The One Thing

Psalm 27:4 says:

The one thing I ask of the Lord—
    the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
    delighting in the Lord’s perfections
    and meditating in his Temple.

In other words, living in the presence of the Lord and focusing completely on Him is the “one thing worth being concerned about.” And it’s exactly what Mary was doing.

Jesus takes things even further. In the second part of Luke 10:42, He says:

“Mary has discovered it [the one thing worth being concerned about], and it will not be taken away from her.”

Martha came to Jesus expecting Him to make her sister stop sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening to Him when there was so much work to do. But instead, Jesus essentially advises Martha, “Mary has chosen what is better” (Luke 10:42 (NIV)).

Why Is It Better?

There are two main reasons why Mary’s choice is superior to Martha’s.

Jesus Is Worthy

First, Jesus is always the most worthwhile object of our attention. Nothing and no one could ever be as satisfying to look at, to spend time with, to be around, to listen to. He is the definition of perfection and everything good and worthy is in Him. We lose nothing by prioritizing Him, because nothing comes close to being as worthy of our time and attention as Him.

The Act of Mary Produces the Fruit of Martha

Second, the dinner still needs to be made. Martha is worried that if she sits around at Jesus’ feet like Mary, the work will not get done.

But she is missing something vital: service is the inevitable fruit of intimacy with the Lord.

If you are a Martha first, there will always be more work to do and you will never find the time to sit down and behave like Mary, listening at Jesus’ feet. You may always mean to, but you feel a duty to work until the work is done, and the work will never end.

If you are a Mary first, however, eventually you will be so filled with Jesus and His love for others that you will naturally get up and serve as an expression of His love in you.

In other words, if you choose to be a Mary first, you will do the work of both Mary and Martha. You will spend time with the Lord and learn from Him, and then receive enough from Him that you have something you can offer others as you serve them.

If, however, you are always busy working, eventually you will burn out, get tired, be resentful, be a martyr.

It’s not that Martha’s work isn’t important. It’s incredibly important. But doing the work of Martha without making time to be like Mary causes burnout, bitterness, destruction, and despondency.

Sitting at Jesus’ feet, gazing upon His beauty, listening to His gentle teaching—that gives you the best of both worlds, because instead of serving and working using your own strength, you are working as a song of love both to your Savior and the ones He loves. It is a strength beyond yourself. You can accomplish more and do it cheerfully. The work gets done, but with no burnout, and instead with the right attitude.

To the Marys and Marthas

If you’re a Mary, have compassion on the Marthas, because they are probably stressed and overworked and close to burnout. Invite them to come sit with you and spend time with the Lord, then offer to help them with the work.

But if you’re a Martha, don’t persecute the Marys. Try to sit at Jesus’ feet for a while, so His love and teaching can recharge you to do what you do best—bless everyone you meet with loving acts of exceptional service.