Robots Make Bad Lovers: Why Fearful Love Isn’t Really Love At All

You’ve probably heard that love is a choice. But there’s an equally important principle to be applied to love:

No Choice = No Love

When you try to love someone because you feel like you “should” or like you “have to,” you’re loving out of obligation, which isn’t really love at all.

What you’re really doing is operating out of fear. But why would we show love because we feel afraid?

• We’re afraid of the other person’s reaction if we don’t show “love” to them.
• We’re afraid of the potentially harmful effects withholding “love” from them might have on them.
• We’re afraid that we might seem cold or immoral if we don’t “love” the other person.

But fear is the opposite of love.

1 John 4:18 says,

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Fearful “love” focuses on us rather than the person we claim we are loving.

• We expect them to reject us if we don’t meet their standards.
• We think we’re responsible for their futures and their feelings, even though each person should be responsible for themselves.
• We care more about looking good (and making sure other people think we’re warm, compassionate people) than about the genuineness of our love.

But fearful “love” has negative consequences for you, too.

When you fear, you aren’t yourself.

You’re constantly modifying yourself and your actions to avoid punishment (whether literal, in the form of someone else’s wrath, or in terms of damage to your reputation). This is not the life-giving change brought on by real love.

Real love does inspire us to change, but it transforms us in positive ways:

• It refines our identities.
• It hones our good qualities.
• It helps us reprioritize so that we can live out our destinies with better focus.

Fearful “love” does the opposite. It encourages you to:

• shrink your self
• hide your talents
• erase your true identity

When the other person really loves you, they will cherish your unique identity and destiny and enjoy watching you flourish into the person you were made to be.

Fear is a lack of trust that the other person is actually good.

If the other person is indeed good, you have nothing to be afraid of. Love them because you choose to, not because you feel you have to.