Friendship vs. Power Struggles

Quite some time ago (my apologies for the horrendous delay), one of you submitted a question asking me about my thoughts on friendship. At long last, here is my answer.

In my experience, different people have different ideas of and standards for friendship. Over the years I’ve learned that a lot of so-called friendships are actually power struggles.

Relationships & Power Struggles

One person is in the position of “power,” while the other is in the position of “service.”

Power

• the one who “doesn’t need” the other person or the relationship
• the one who is free to enjoy the service of the other but can walk away at any time without feeling as if they’ve lost something
• the one who is free to be themselves because nothing is at stake in the relationship
• the one who feels satisfied (if they are a narcissist) or too crowded by the other person

Service

• the one who “needs” the other person or the relationship
• the one who is afraid of losing the other person and therefore feels compelled to act subserviently for fear of being abandoned by the other person
• the one who erases their own identity in order to identify with - and remain a part of - the other person
• the one who feels empty and dissatisfied because their raison d’être has become wrapped up in pleasing another person to ensure they “stay,” often instead driving the other person away with their obsessiveness

This power dynamic can change or be reversed over time.

• The person in power may abandon the servant. The servant then either learns to function as their own person or finds someone else to latch onto.
• The person in service may realize the toll of the relationship and back off. If the other party realizes they still want or “need” this relationship, they may choose to take on the servant’s role in order to persuade the former servant to continue engaging with them, thus reversing the previous power dynamic.
• The person in power in one relationship may be subservient in another, and the person in service in one relationship may be in power in another.

Many people pursue friendships in this manner, with an unhealthy power struggle attached.

Often the one who pursues (the servant) destroys their own identity while driving the other person away or, in some cases, feeding an unhealthy narcissism in them. Often the one who is pursued feels too much pressure from the other party to be constantly available and backs off, either ultimately severing the relationship to get away or failing to escape and then feeling a resentment that justifies allowing themselves to take advantage of the servant.

As you can see, these are not exactly healthy ways to engage in relationships with other people. At their core they all result in death - of the relationship, of values, or even of identity.

There are, however, some situations where a power dynamic is right and necessary, because one person must clearly be the head over another.

Appropriate Power Dynamics in Relationships

This list is not exhaustive, but gives you a good idea of what I mean:

• parent and child
• teacher and student
• boss and employee

Even marriage, when biblically established, recognizes the husband as the head and therefore requires the wife to submit to him.

(Let me pause here and say that many abusive men have demanded unearned respect from their wives and claimed that God was backing them, but God clearly requires the men who lead their households to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If you aren’t willing to love, serve, or even die for your wife like Jesus did for us, you have no business using the Bible to demand that your wife submit to you.)

Friendship, however, is the one relationship that is exempt from all these built-in power struggles.

Friendship

In a healthy friendship, both parties respect one another equally. Both want to be there. Both love and appreciate the other. Both care for the other so much they will speak the truth, even when it hurts, in love - and both have earned the right to do that by serving the other party not for their own personal gain, as with the servant, but because they genuinely care about the other. Neither will give up their identity for the sake of the other because both recognize that each one’s true identity is unique, precious, and irreplaceable - and therefore an asset to their friendship and the world.

Update on 4/7/2019: This is currently the most popular post on my blog. It seems like many of you are dealing with toxic relationships. If that’s you, I wrote another post specifically for you: Is It Okay to Cut Someone Out of Your Life? I hope it helps.

Additionally, if you liked this post, you might also like my novel about friendship.